Friday, February 10, 2012

Give Me a Break

Salam everyone. I have to write this or my chest is going to explode. A long time friend (whom I thought is still my close friend ) was very sensitive over a piece of advice I lent to him regarding his choice of partners in life. You see, we can NEVER judge a book by it's cover. But I always believe that someone's appearance (not physical) is an indicator of what a person's belief in.

For example, if you dress up so openly in public to the extend we can't even differentiate whether you are a Muslim or not - i.e putting on lesser clothes compared to the non-muslim, well that says something about your character- perhaps 'I'm not ready yet to set things straight so let me be' or whatever d rationale is).

And I who am a believer in this (with no intention what-so-ever to hurt anyone's feeling) casually gave my 5 cents worth of advice,
"Look for someone who you feel worth calling "my wife" and perhaps someone who covers her aurah".

To my surprise, he quickly responded by saying he knew what he wanted in life and that I'm wrong to judge this current girl he's going out with (which I have no idea who she is anyway).
When I looked through his current photos (through facebook), I saw a beautiful young woman whom he casually put his arms across her shoulder. She was dressed in a close to spaghetti string shirt and they looked so happy together.

Well to me, that picture doesn't jive with his intention of having a good Muslim wife. But then again I know I might be biased and wrong.
What if this woman turns out to be such a wonderful wife and mother? It would be totally awful to have this kind of judgement! And so I take back my words, apologize and promise not EVER to give any kind of opinion.

Why did I offer him my unsolicited advice? Well, initially I thought, after going through a divorce and having the opportunity to choose a good wife, he should seriously think about his choices. Well, an advice can just be 'an opinion'. You can take it or leave it.

No matter how a person will eventually turn out to be, we marry someone for the ORIGINAL character that he or she has. Throw away the intention of marrying someone to CHANGE him or her. There's a saying "Old habits die hard". And if we are not STRONG enough, it can backfire us one day!

Well, it's a tough decision after all - choosing the right spouse.
Our judgements could be blurred at times.... and that's why we ask for God's help.
And of course the prophet had already advised us on the right criteria... It's for us to seek and understand the list.

As always, it's everyone's dream to marry their 'soul mates'. But, not everyone will get the privileged of marrying one.
There is ONLY one chance to make it right.

By making the right choice.

I rest my case.

19 comments:

Anonymous said...

Assamualaikum. Nice reading ur entries madam.;)
Whatever we judge in this life will be judged by Him later on.Hidayah belongs to Allah. He is the one who determine the way we are looked at by other people-noble or not and surely there's reason behind that. Everyone can change to be a better person, insyaAllah.may all readers of ur blog madam will someday meet the best partner in his or her life & to be met again in Jannah:)-1011656-

Anonymous said...

salam.
i've heard from my friend that it is encouraged for a good women to find a good man for her but for a good man, they are allowed to find a 'not so good woman' for him as the role of man s to lead their wife...i agree with this statement but with certain condition which that the man is really confident (with the permission from Allah) that he can teach and learn together with his wife. beside that,his future wife must already have the intention to change her way of life...from madam's story, i agree with madam's opinion that a man should not marry someone with a mindset that want to change her but does not have the preparation at all as a future husband and father.thanks.
1015174, group 15 parenting.

Anonymous said...

salam.
i've heard from my friend that it is encouraged for a good women to find a good man for her but for a good man, they are allowed to find a 'not so good woman' for him as the role of man s to lead their wife...i agree with this statement but with certain condition which that the man is really confident (with the permission from Allah) that he can teach and learn together with his wife. beside that,his future wife must already have the intention to change her way of life...from madam's story, i agree with madam's opinion that a man should not marry someone with a mindset that want to change her but does not have the preparation at all as a future husband and father.thanks.
1015174, group 15 parenting.

Anonymous said...

1010404

Erm, I have a friend of mine who told me this :

A good man shall choose an- already- good- woman or a-woman-good-to-be as his spouse. Why? Simply because the men are equipped with the qualities that made them a leader. Even Allah has mentioned in Al- Quran that men are much stronger than women. So, why not trying to bring his woman to the right path?

But, a woman should choose a wise and good man in term of religion as her spouse. I mean, ya, if we don't know something, of course we are expecting our husbands to teach us, to guide us. If not, what's the point of having one?

I totally agree with the statement that we can't judge person by their outlook appearance. Ya, we don't know what's playing inside her heart. Maybe she has the will to appear nicely but then, after all, the Hidayah is Allah's matter. So, we can't say she's bad or not. Even the woman who appear nicely didn't seem to be as nice as they dress.

Wallahuallam.

Anonymous said...

Guidance belongs to Allah, we are no one to judge yet we always did whatever we encounter in life.
we can always put effort and pray to Allah to have a worth spouse in this life and hereafter.Allahu'alam

1010704 (Group 15) said...

salam madam..
in my opinion, we cannot force that man to not to marry her.But at the same time, we have to advice him to educate his becoming wife to be a good muslim wife.as in Islam a men (husband) has to . At least we have done something to him.=)

1014686 said...

I agree with ur action..but not all people will accept our advice..we juz try our best to advice them..it's up to them and of course with Allah permission, they will open-heart to accept the advice..and yes!Islam is clear on the kind of wife we should be seeking. The
Prophet (s.a.w) said: "A woman may be married for four reasons:
for her property, her status, her beauty, and her religion; so
try to get one who is religious, may you be blessed." I think, what should you do now is to pray the best for ur friend..perhaps one day he will think again what you hv said to him..btw, it's not easy to be a good husband or IMAM in a family..you cannot change other people if you, urself did not change..

Anonymous said...

an advice can just be 'an opinion'. You can take it or leave it.

I quoted this from the post and it is so true. We gave an advice because we CARE! And its up to them to take it or not. Most importantly is giving an advice with a proper words, words that are simple and at the same time it wont hurt others feeling. And about don't judge a book by its cover, well sometimes we can used it. but for safe play, asked the person closed friend or family if we wanna get to know them..=] 1019555

muhammad irfan bin mohd sallehhudin 1019159 said...

im on ur side madam...

its not about searching a good women but searching the best wife...

love is not a matter of happy in this world but also in the hereafter..

choose ur wife who can guide u to serenity...

Anonymous said...

Don't judge a book by its cover.
I always thought this saying is true, but up to a certain time, when i think FIRST IMPRESSION really does matter. by portraying something that is not inline with our belief...em, it must mean something, BUT, it is not fair to judge people only by their cloth, but then again, i myself also usually to do the same thing. so, what we can do when looking at some person that we don't like is only through having good thinking about them, because our religion discouraged us to think bad things of others. I will not comment on Madam's friend's fiancee. Thing that i want to 'throw' in this rectangular-comment-box is only on choosing your other half.
i'm not married yet, but what can i share is that, human, we, tend to like people who have the same ideas, opinions, ways of life with us. therefore, there's a saying that says "ur spouse (partner in life) is actually ur self-mirror". Allah SWT also has said in AL-QUR'AN, that good man will be with good woman; bad man with bad woman.when we marry someone, we want to marry the same person that we know before the akad, and that's why we choose that person. wallhu'alam :D (1018624)

Anonymous said...

on't judge a book by its cover.
I always thought this saying is true, but up to a certain time, when i think FIRST IMPRESSION really does matter. by portraying something that is not inline with our belief...em, it must mean something, BUT, it is not fair to judge people only by their cloth, but then again, i myself also usually to do the same thing. so, what we can do when looking at some person that we don't like is only through having good thinking about them, because our religion discouraged us to think bad things of others. I will not comment on Madam's friend's fiancee. Thing that i want to 'throw' in this rectangular-comment-box is only on choosing your other half.
i'm not married yet, but what can i share is that, human, we, tend to like people who have the same ideas, opinions, ways of life with us. therefore, there's a saying that says "ur spouse (partner in life) is actually ur self-mirror". Allah SWT also has said in AL-QUR'AN, that good man will be with good woman; bad man with bad woman.when we marry someone, we want to marry the same person that we know before the akad, and that's why we choose that person. wallhu'alam :D (1018624)

Anonymous said...

Well..for me,when it comes to the decision of choosing your spouse,it is a very difficult thing to do...because choosing your spouse is a life choice..you only marry once in your life..It is a decision that will have a major impact, not only on yourselves, but also on your future spouse and those who are close to you...

However,marriage completes half your Islam. It is a commitment and relationship that starts in this Dunya (world) and will continue Insha Allah in Paradise together:)

So,for me,before we want to select the criteria that we want our spouse to have,we must have that criteria first...we must reflect ourselves and ask 'What am I like?'..because who we are will reflect who our spouse will be..

In your friend's case,it is true that we must not judge her on her outwards appearance..because that woman might turn out to be such a wonderful wife and mother..But I remember Abu Hurairah related that the Prophet said: “Men choose women for four reasons: for their money, for their rank, for their beauty and for their religion, but marry one who is religious and you will succeed” (Bukhari, Muslim)..so the best solution is marry the girl because of her religion background.

But sometimes,not all people marry with the right person..sometimes after marriage,then they realize the true personality of their spouse...However,i remember my ustazah had said that sometimes marriage can be as one of the 'test' or 'ujian' that Allah give to us..

So,I think before we choose our spouse,it is important that we pray or doa to Allah everyday for His guidance..we might be planning or dreaming to have a certain type of spouse,but only Allah knows what is the best for us..and for whoever persons that we will be married to,it is important for us to redha with what Allah has given to us and try to be your best to work out your marriage:)

-1019740-

Anonymous said...

In my opinion,its not wrong to give advices to others. Its good actually to show that we care,hence the advice. One should also be careful with his/her words so that the message is delivered without hurting others feelings especially in sensitive cases such as spouse issues. However,we are just humans. And to err is human. :) Hence it is best for us to apologize and forgive each other if we were to mistake in judgment or opinion which may sounds unpleasent to our friend,because friendship worths it. Furthermore, i agree with you that 'No matter how a person will eventually turn out to be, we marry someone for the ORIGINAL character that he or she has.' However,we must always remember that certain parts of that ORIGINAL self in our partner may not be satisfying or not as good as we expected but this is when we ourselves play our role to complement any of his/her defects. Give and take is very important in relationships. Theres no Me or You,but there should always be Us. :)

1015576
Group 15 parenting.

Anonymous said...

1012550 group 15
Salam madam.
I agree that we must not judge people or things by what they look like from the outside. This is because people cannot be judged by what they appear like to you at first, but it is necessary to get to know them first and "read" them before you can judge them.

Nevertheless, for me, i think that the outer appearance of someone is important as it gives a huge impact on my impression about that particular person. The outer appearance here is not the physical characterictics like the body of that person, but how he or she appears to us, for example is the clothes that he or she wears. Although outer appearance is not the main characteristic to look for in knowing someone, but still, it is reliable to be used as an indicator of how that person really is.
We ourselves don't like to be judged by a person that we barely know, or because of an unintended incidents that happens once or twice. We also want people to know the real us before she or he can say something about us. Hence, we must practice ourselves by avoiding this kind of thinking and try not to judge a book by its cover.

Anonymous said...

well madam,i agree wth u..in my opinion,to marry someone what is important is to be sincere and accept all his or her weakness. because we are going to spend our life with our spouses.so,I believe that,someone who is good is meant for good person, insyaAllah:)

1019376
Group 15

Anonymous said...

well madam in my humble opinion,though I don't have any experience in marriage, in choosing spouse we should find a person who can be a mother/father to the child eventually raise the family well,not solely because we love him/her . regarding your story, the guy should value the girl in both inner/outer side. If both sides are excellent,then he can guarantee that the girl can be a good wife-to-be, but if something is lacking, he should fix it first before they jump into marriage..

1014922

NURSYAHIRAH ISHAK said...

salam madam, i'm just like to be known as 1019866..personally, i do agree with your action, that what friend to friend should do. For him, i think in choosing the lifetime so called forever partner, religion matters all.If he see the marriage institutional as a whole, i bet he will not choose her then.for the time being , maybe he just want to have fun with her but who know, he might have a mission to change her to be better muslimah after marriage.. that's all la madam.. :))

NURUL HUSNA said...

Salam Madam.I'm 1018008.From my opinion,although he has the right to choose his own partner,but he should make sure he has the strength to change his partner in a good way.So that later in his life,he will have a good wife that will give birth to good children.I believe in the phrase to not judge people from the outside so let's give his partner a chance to change for good.

Nur Athirah bt Sulong (1017714) said...

I don't think we should judge people from appearance alone. I know someone who did not cover up before she married but change after that..but of course, the husband has that heavy responsibility to educate and change the wife. I'm sure that is not going to be easy. The husband himself has to be good in order to change others. So, in my opinion, it is still better to choose someone that you are sure are going to be a good partner to you and can be a good mother or father to the children.