Friday, February 12, 2010

What must couples do when they face problems in marriage?- CCFM 2052 (3rd entry)

Dear students...

I believe we had a very important lecture on this topic last thursday. The week before, your dramatization on the marriage problems were really fantastic! You really made me feel sooo proud!!!! Some of you were able to 'see' things ahead of time.
Well, this is what this course is about. It is to prepare yourselves to that very important phase in your lives. Marriage is a phase that will be the ultimate test in our lives. People who dont go through it wont understand. Because in marriage, we are bound to have conflicts. It is possible for a man and woman to enter into a union with good intentions yet their personalities and likes do not coincide with one another.

After we have gone through that 'magical' first year, reality starts sinking in. Ive read in the readers digest before that the 'magical chemistry' would only last for 12 months! Hem.....
Later, all the strength and weaknesses from both sides will be exposed. Therefore, it is time to talk about the implications of marital conflict. How it can affect anyone at personal level, his/her professional growth and their families .

I also told you of how Islam encourages the party to resolve conflicts in marriage in the best possible way first before ending it. Divorce (according to the book I read) is similar to a painful surgery; " the sane human being endures the pains of his wound, even an amputation, in order to protect the remaining parts of the body to keep away greater injury."

Divorce is permissible in Islam in order to remove the harm from one of the two spouses. But we have to understand that Islam does not encourage divorce. Therefore, this entry is for my CCFM 2052k students and anyone out there who wish to give any comment on this issue. You can add in any anecdotes(short stories) related to this topics, or quotes on what couples should do to overcome conflicts.

I can sense that all these issues are now becoming more real to you.

I take this opportunity to salute all single mothers (and fathers) who strive to raise their children with dignity. I pray that God will continue to give you the strength to go on.
YOU are indeed SPECIAL and STRONG.
May Allah bless all of you.


54 comments:

Anonymous said...

salam madam..tq for sharing your personal story last thursday..it's really meaningful to us.

here, I try to give some tips on how to face problems in marriage, although i'm still single and available:)..

1)START TALKING..(not nagging:))
I believe that GOOD COMMUNICATION is essential in marriage..Islam always stress the concept of syura(musyawarah) if we have any problems or difficulties in deciding anything..

2)BE THE FIRST PERSON TO APOLOGIZE
no one gets it right all the time, right.so, before our problem become bigger and getting serious,try to low down our voice, put aside any blame and apologize..who knows this method will work..

3)BE HONEST WITH EACH OTHER ABOUT THE PROBLEM.
when our partner try to talk or explain something, show interest in what she/he is saying..listen first before making any decision.don't be too emotional(UMAM hate this!:))

if things become worse,find a good mediator to solve our problem.

REMEMBER! Always seek help from Allah coz Allah knows everything..

" When you fall in a river, you are no longer a fisherman, you;re a swimmer!!!" (GENE HILL)

" When Allah drops a needles and pins along our path in life, don;t stay away instead pick them up and collect them...they were designed to make us strong"

lastly, to madam norhayati..May Allah bless you and your family..Always be grateful for what you have..:).

IMTINAN BAHARUDIN

Nur Hazlinda Ahmad(0811176) said...

"The easiest part of marriage is falling in love and walking down the aisle. The most difficult part of marriage is 10 years later when the problems have ensued and issues have come about and you still find love. Marriage is not about the beginning, marriage is about the process and still being able to love through all things."
Submitted by Rhonda Ann

khairulanwar 0813919 said...

hye madam..

for,me i think..
they should go to counselor
they should talk
they should discuss their problems
they should find ways to resolve the problems..
but personally, if it happens to me,i will go to sleep..:)

Hasmawi said...

It is important for couples to understand the exact reasons for the problems. Then, they should increasing their communication and go for marriage counseling. Next, remember last sweet memories and make some plans for the vacations. They are also need to talk with their family or friends and seek for their advice..

Nurul Amira Ahmad Fadzil said...

The most simple way to resolve the problems in marriage are listen, accept, understand, apologize and give forgiveness to your spouse.
Sometimes Allah will test His servant and when we can face the test with an open hearts He will bring happiness.

Nor Afizah Binti Ahmad (ccfm2052k) said...

The couples should set time to discuss the problem and use loving and respectful communication with the couple. Then, define the problem in clear and make sure the partner understand the problem. Next, the couples should respect the partner's perspective of the problem and make a list of possible solutions together and then go through the possible solutions and discuss them. Lastly, choose a solution that the partner can agree on and show appreciation to the partner for discussing the problem and then working toward a solution together.

Nor Aini Ishak (ccfm2052k) said...

I do not really know how to solve this kind of problem.
But if this happen to me,then i will slow talk with my spouse..
slow talk again..and again..but if it does not change anything,then i will go n see someone that is closed to my spouse and asks everything about my spouse...if it does not work again, then i will go to the counselor and...
finally see YOU in COURT.

farah binti musa said...

the important thing, when a couple face a problem is they need to solve it as soon as possible. don't wait until it become more worse. a couple need to know why it happen and solve it together. if not, use the third parties or go to counseling.
farah musa.

Anonymous said...

t00 y0ung t0 c0mment.. haha..

(^_^)

Anonymous said...

successful marriage depend on two things..
1.find the right person and
2.being the right person

Dilaila Fauzi (ccfm 2052k) said...

When it comes to how to solve problems in the marriage, there is no real easy answer actually. It can happen because of the 6 factors which are cause of money, children, daily stress, busy schedules, poor communications or bad habits. In my opinion, ‘Throw away your ego’ is a key to solve all these problems. Then you will realize that you are half of your marriage, so you can still take action to mend problems even if your partner is not fully on board.

remy 0816893 said...

salam madam...

for me this is the real problem that happens to every human...problems in marriage...Allah had stated yn AL Quran that every problems and sicks and problems in this world had their solution and cure.
for me...they should discuss together to solve their problems...but,remember they must find the exact time to discuss...if they got small problems do not make it more serious....sit together and talk calmly...thank you

ili aqilah said...

try to slow talk with your partner to solve the problems.don't angry so easily.intelligence emotion is important in facing the problems.try to be patient and trust your spouse.sometimes Allah give problems to the marriage couple to make them become more closed to each other and strengthen their love.

Mashitoh 0814644 said...

Salam..I think they should sit together to discuss problems in a stable emotion.Do not run from any problem and sometimes it can be solved only by time.Make efforts
in order to have a good life because our life is not a just only about problem.Face the problems in a positive way in order to be a better person.

riniecomot said...

for me,a good communication and tolerance are the best solution..to do action,u need to speak..and to speak,u need to think deeply..the hardest thing i could see throughout the marital problem is that the spouses do not want to discuss closely enough between them..it is not ok if u just let go small matters because small matters do create conflict between spouses..so,my suggestion they should build goog communication skills between them..then, they will know to give and take and appreciate each other.

Rinie narine bt mohd nasir
0817834

nadirah din 0810724 said...

dear madam..
for me, when couples face a problem in their marriage the first step is discuss with the spouse at the right time and try to solve their problem. and it good to discuss the problem before it getting worse. Couple must try to understand and give the cooperation and do not so emotional while handling the problem..when couples feel they cannot resolve the problems themselves, they will sometimes turn to third party profesionals for help. Couples also can turns to a marriage counselor for advice and help in saving the marriage.

khairul anuar bin husin 0816531 said...

First things fitst. They must settle down together. Have a nice place to sit and start to discuss the real problem. I just want to stress on this statement; treat others how you want to be treated. This statement means alot to coouple if they mean to save their relationship. I believe this statement is powerfull enough to build the foundation of harmony marriege. Not to mention that a happy couple need to understand their spouse internally and externally. Good luck single father and mother. I hope i will not be one of them..

Nor Aliaa said...

in my opinion, many people think after they married, they can solve anythin with their power of love. they will say,"our love can fight anything no matter what". after watched shortdramas that have been done by my friends, i think it is easy to say by mouth but hard to do it in action.

the couple should think wisely. both parties should colloborate with each other and try to settle down the problems. not only that, both parties also should learn how to sacrifice, what i mean is give and take. if only one party can sacrifice and the other is not, of course the marriage will become worse. not only that, they also should seek to the counselor or third party. besides, by du'a, praying and ibadah, insyaAllah, Allah will lead them to the right solutions. furthermore, all the decision that the couple made should be based on syariah Islamiah.

ct hanisah said...

salam madam..
for me, there are no exact solutions we can find when we face problems in marriage because there are too many factors involve and make people afraid to take an action..therefore, in an early day of our marriage, we need to set up the marriage,the way we want it to be. when we begin with the good start, insyaAllah we will be end with husnulkhatimah..as long as we believe in tomorrow and place one foot in front of each other, we will be filled with power from within..living a strong life means being able to smile..InsyaAllah..

Helmi said...

salam.
the first thing that couples must do is keep the secret of family from other people...
then, try to seat together and discuss the problems. try to find the real problems and the solution. both couple need to have mutual understanding and agreement...
if one of the couples cannot give the cooperation, then find the third party. make sure the 3rd party must be a great person who has experience in problem solving and respectful person. at the peak of problem, couple can go to the court if the problem cannot be solved anymore...

nurulain 0819176 said...

From my opinion, when couple face problem, first they should give time for both sides to be alone and think about their problem personally.They need to calm and think rationally not emotionaly. Then, after 1 or 2 day, sit together and discuss about their problem. They should listen to each other carefully and try to get the conclusion. Both sides should give and take. Then, if it doesnt work, find the third party to get their opinion and advice. Finally, if it still cant solve, bring the problem to the court. For me, court is the last choice to solve the problem and if i really want to divorce. As long as the problem we can solve it with our spous, do it. divorce is easy,but make it difficult like to marriage.

Anonymous said...

hanani idris: 0819082

For me,when couples face problem in marriage they must recognize what is their problem by seat together and talk slowly..

Then, they must try to solve their problem with any method because it is important to solve it since the problem still simple and cannot wait until that problem become more complicated..

So that, communication is the most important part in the marriage because couples can divorce just because of miscommunication..

That's all..tq~

shahira~ 0813810 said...

salam...
1st, they must recognize the problem, then have a talk with each other. say everything you wanna say in a very good manner. if not, your communication with your spouse will lead to something worst. listen carefully what your spouse had say and try to find the solution. remember that patient and forgiveness are the best thing to do when facing a problem...

NurulJannah Zahari (0812896) said...

Firstly, the couples should sit and talk to each other. They should understand what the problem is and try to solve together. The couples should try to accept each other feelings. Next, if it doesn't work, the couples should go to counselor. The counselor can help them in solving their problems. If it still doesn't work, the last step is DIVORCE. But, before that, the couple should think of their children first. What will happen to them if their parents separated. So, for me, i will keep the relationship and try to make it better in the future.

syahida said...

In marriage it must be a time when the couple face problem either it is small or big problem. When this happen they should try to talk with each other first to know what the problem first. If talking with themselves still not help in solving the problem, they should find third party or counselor to listen for their problem and the counselor can give advise to save the marriage. The most important thing that the couple should do is asking from Allah because Allah know everything and He knows what is best for you.

a'fifah happas said...

i believe if any problems or sadness occur to our life.. first come first remember ALLAH.. istighfar alot.. always sabar... to cool down ur sadness or angry or whatsoever.. quiet is the best way.. after you cool down, then you can start to discuss with each other.. what's there if both discuss a matter in a state of angry with each other?? that's why understanding is very important if u want to live with someone...

FATIN NASUHA BINTI SABRI (0810254) section 6 said...

Everyone has problems. Even if a person who is not married yet, she or he also will face any kind of problems. So, in the case of what must couples do when they face problems in marriage, first thing first is they should look at the mirror and ask themselves, what I've done? Is the problem come from me? Am I the source of the problem? (muhasabah diri) Then, if they think there is no wrong from their sides. They should discuss with their spouses. Try to determine what is the problem and try to solve it. Then if the discussion can't work, they could find help from the third party, maybe from a counselor. Besides that, they should pray from God to maintain their relationship if they want.
But madam, for me, action is not easy as we say. So, just try the best! :-)

" True love is when the couples assured that their spouses given by God is the best person for them even though there are other better men in this world. "

Aku Mu'iz said...

Prophet s.a.w. said, “The lawful thing which Allah hates most is divorce.”-Abu Dawud and ibn Majah.

In my opinion, both couples should have a conversation or discussion among them to find the best solution without divorce. Try to find someone who your couple respect to become a middle man if needed. Try to consult with the "real" Muslim counselor if can. try to avoid family members to become the consultant if the partner have the problem with them.

Muhammad Mu'izzuddin Bin Mustaffar
0818281

nur farahin mohd haris said...

they should sit down and try to figure out what actually lead them to the problem.the couple shud discuss face to face and talk truly from the heart.

nur farahin mohd haris
0812326

amin0818077 said...

orait 4me la kan..
1st things to do is to seek for Allah guidance based on the prob that we face

talk,
communication is the very core solution to solve a problems..

try to understand each other,
put ur self in their situation
dun b arrogant to put only on ur views and ignored others..

then,
never do that unless u want a pure problems to be 4eva n eva...

Nurul Husna 0813644 said...

MARRIAGE...once you are approached by someone to get married..then..it is the most beautiful day in your life..bout problems..a couple must have courages to support and understand each others better..please be open and lower your ego to your spouse and feel free to share with him/her your thought and your problems ..then..don't hesitate and forget to seek forgiveness from Allah..ask for His guidance..insya'ALLAh..a word of DIVORCEE would never pass through your mind..q(^_^)p

hasnedza said...

Salam Madam,

For me, if i have a problem with my husband, i will find out my weaknesses and try to correct it. I believed that if my husband act strangely, there must be something wrong on my part. If the problem not comes from me, then communication is very important. Otherwise, ask help from Allah is the most effective way.
-NUR HASNEDZA BT RADZALI (0811500)

Nor Junaidah Bt Ahmad Junid said...

salam..
As a human being we cannot escape from the problem.Like my friend said when we are married,there is start of a big problem.To face the problem in marriage,first of all husband and wife should take time to discuss about the problem and try to solve it together.Here, cooperation,tolerance, honest and trust are very important to take part during solve the problem.If one of them don't want to discuss, then try to solve by using another medium such as email,letter or sms. If this way is not effective then try to find third person that can help to solve this problem.The suitable third person is in the family themselves.This is because only the person that close with them can understand them.If this way also not successful,the last step is pray to Allah to help to solve this problem.May Allah give the best direction to solve this problem.

normasniza (0819732) said...

Of course there are a lot of way to solve the marriages' problems. But for me, when couple face problems in their marriage, the first thing that they should is by discuss together and try to solve it with gently. Both of spouse should be patient enough in handling their problems. "Marriage is a gift of God" thus, they should try to be responsible in what Allah give and maintain their marriage as far as they can.

Nadia Zainudin (0817886) said...

To face problems in marriage,married couples should discuss their problem and being rational to each other.They can use other alternative way such as counseling to seek for help if the problems are not getting to an end.

safarina ali said...

couples who have problems in their marriage should:
1)they need to talk
2)find the suitable time to talk
3)know the exact thing that need to discuss
4)do not let the problems not been solved for a long time
5) talk to your spouse even though you are still angry if possible do not avoid to talk with him/her more than 24 hours.
6) think about the consequences of your action before do anything.

a'fifah happas(0812064) said...

salam.. madam,
actually i've posted d comment last week but it doesnt turn out.. i guess to be on the safe side let me comment again..
i believe, the most important thing is to be patient and cool. you also need to remember Allah alot and ask for his helps. discuss the problem with your partner when both parties calmed down. if it doesn't work out, then helps from others are needed.

Rozila Haizam Gazali said...

Salam mdm...
For me, the couple needs to go to the place that will reminisce their past time. From here they can refresh their happy memories when they were fall in love before. One of the partners should be tolerate, out spoken, open minded and the most important thing is they need to think before they talk…Whatever the problem that we are facing in marriage, we need to sit down and discuss together and avoid making decision without thinking deeply…
~Rozila Haizam Gazali~

mohd hafizul fazly 0818979 said...

salam madam,

for me,they should try to accept.... that is the challenge by Allah....and the role of husband is very important to overcome the happiness situation....both DON'T give up to build back the harmony in family and always pray to Allah that give us strong to face all these thing with SOBAR.......

Nurul Syazana said...

For me,problems in marriage is a test from Allah and it can be solve with the full commitment and cooperation of the couples. The couples should sit together and discuss the problems in a comfortable mood to avoid the emotion lead them. They should be matured enough by being tolerate and try to not underestimate their spouse. InsyaAllah, the problems can be solve easily and quickly.
Nurul Syazana Bt Adam (0814328)

Saidatul Syazana Al Amin Malim said...

salam madam..
if there is a problem, the couple should discuss together in a calm situation. they must listen to each other very well..and the important thing is must always pray to Allah to seek help from Him...insyaallah, if the couple understand each other, its easy to face the problem...

Hamizah Mhd Najili said...

Salam.
Different people may handle with different ways to overcome the problems. So to overcome the problem, they should know the behaviour of the spouse so that the problems will be settle well.
What they should do is to discuss the problems and do not just simply let the problems occur without settled down it. Listen and talk, and be tolerate to each other.
Allah test us because He knows we can handle the challenges based on our abilities. So, always think positive in whatever problems we have because everything that happen has their own hikmah.

siti hanisah said...

salam mdm..actually this is the third time i'm post the comment..i don't know why my comment still not there..but it's ok..for my opinion, the couples should find the right time to discuss their problem,find the cause and try to find the solution..if cannot find any way, discuss it with the third party who both of them trust or attend counseling..lastly, do our best and Allah will take the rest..

Nor Aliaa said...

slm mdm..
(actually this is my second post=( )

it is easy to say "our love will be as tough as the rock!!!and nothing gonna take our love away". but it is not easy like we say by our own mouth.
the couples should be patience and understanding each other. if they face the problems, they should discuss with each other. so, the most important in discussing with each other is the communication skills, both parties should listen and talk!!
besides, the couple also should seek for help from God. insya-Allah, Allah will help the couples.

Fatiah Hamzah(0810768) said...

salam mdm..
when face problems in marriage,husband and wife should..
1)listen to each other
2)be willing to confess mistake
3)forgive each other
4)get counseling
so that they can effectively deal with it.

Hanisah Abd Aziz said...

Salam...for me,first thing to do is to make a discussion between each other to find the cause of the problem.Then,look for the best solution that satisfy both of them.But,if the couple refuse to discuss and communicate, they better find the middle person who can lead them for the best solution.

Zariah Lokman (0813796) said...

salam.
well, for me conflict in marriage need courage from both sides to settle it. they should not take it lightly and become selfish to stand themselves. seeking advices from third party (which is can be trusted) seems very good way if nothing can be settle themselves. try to think about the sweetest memory they ever had. sometimes when conflict arise none of them can think in rational manner. then always pray to Allah for His guidance.

NurulJannah Zahari (0812896) said...

Firstly, the couple should sit together and discuss from heart to heart about the matters that occur in their relationship. Tell each other feelings. Let the couples know what they feel towards each other. Solve the problems together. Then, if this method doesn't work, they should see a counselor. A counselor can help them in finding solutions of the problems. If this method also didn't work, then divorce is the last solutions.
But for me, i didn't prefer divorce because divorce can harm many people such as children and family... So, before taking any actions, we should think carefully and deeply of what the consequences that going to occur.

Anonymous said...

0817754_CCFM2052
Salam..

In my opinion, couples should have a full and open discussion about the problem they faced and understand one another's point of view before start to blame each other. They can plan a specific time and place each week when they can talk alone together without distractions or interruptions.
I think, this way will help couple maintain a good relationship when they faced problems..

Anonymous said...

Problems in marriage???:)
Here are some ways on how to handle conflicts.

1)COMMUNICATE DIRECTLY & SHARE OUR FEELINGS..
It is hard to communicate especially during conflicts,but we have to create positive atmosphere to encourage good communication.
~Talk WITH each other,not TO each other~

2)NEGOTIATION & COMPROMISE
It is impossible for both of us to agree on all issues all the time .Therefore, we have to identify and discuss our priorities in our marriage.In the face of conflicts and disagreements, couples should know how to come to terms with their disagreements, negotiate and compromise.
~GIVE& TAKE

3)Discuss the issue in a positive non-confrontational way.Bring up the issues in a positive and peaceful way to avoid blaming and shouting with each other.
~BRING BACK THE LOVE OF YOUR LIFE~

:)FULL OF LOVE,
IMTINAN BAHARUDIN,0816448

thuraiya binti ahmad said...

to solve the problem in marriage,both spouse must give and take..firstly they must admit their mistake...as we know,people are not perfect..all of them make mistake everyday...so in order to solve the conflict,we must forgive our spouse..we must accept our spouse in whatever they are;)

Thuraiya binti Ahmad(0819764)

saOd yg bAhagia said...

marriage conflicts,it is inevitable.everyone will experiencing this problem.and for me, i believe in giving time. whenever the husband or the wife become mad,give her time to cool down. do not argue with them at that time because it will only make it worse.and the weapon is smile.smile when he/she is angry. smile gently,not cynically.when they see us smile,their anger will slow down...

communicate,like everyone suggest. communicate verbally and non-verbally with them.make sure it is positive communication.

understanding,the most important criteria.understand and respect them.

heal it before the wound get infected.solve it before the problem get worse.

seek guidance and strength from Allah.

after all, it is easier to prevent rather than to heal.so,avoid having serious conflict in our marriage~ hehehehe! (^^,)

-saadahsaari-

Anonymous said...

i think,marriage is not as easy as we thought,it is not easy to find the right person and to be the right one..
if marriage is only for fun,it might not last forever,i 100% agree when u said,when we want to get marry,marry b'coz of Allah..
sometimes, maybe we just think that the right person for us,but is it?hmm..
pray to god for the best,may Allah always be with us,amin...

nor atiqah said...

"What must couples do when they face problems in marriage?"

To answer this question is very easy,but to do it is very difficult. Many marriage couples today like to solve their problem by divorce. It is very common to them. But I think it will make more worst and effect, especially to children and society.

For me, any of couple marriage should face their problem with rational. They should think first, before do anything. Discussion should be done always, to avoid any miss communication. Don't ever jump into conclusion when their partner is explaining something.

I know many problems can be solve by think it in calmly. Solution is everywhere, we must find it!!Most important thing is, always pray to Allah, because He knows better than us, just request the best from Him.

0816532 NOR ATIQAH BINTI ROZLIN